advocacy | ❥ 002 spam/voice

spam - scott.
[Daneca sits in her room for a while, repeatedly closing her eyes. She keeps hoping that every time she does, the thoughts and memories swirling around in her head will stop and every time she opens them again, she hopes they just completely blip out of existence.]

[But unfortunately, what she's thinking and feeling can't be so easily wished away.]

[On the one hand, she can still feel those distant pangs for Barron. The butterflies she felt in his presence mixed with that sense of calm and security where she no longer had to fear what she was sits firmly in the back of her mind. On top of that, she can still feel the loss. The grief she felt--that other Daneca on that other Barge--is so much deeper than what she felt when she found out the truth of what he did to Cassel. She also feels guilt over feeling any of that, over feeling the way she does about Sam, even about Cassel.]

[But even worse is knowing what she did to Scott.]

[She doesn't know how he's handling the idea of her being an emotion worker. Maybe he's as angry as Sam was when he found out she was without hearing it from her directly. Maybe he's furious about her working him at all. Daneca wouldn't blame him if he were; he would be if the situation were reversed. She doesn't go to Scott out of fear of his potential anger though. She's more concerned that he may still be worked or confused.]

[She's also aware that her secret wasn't the only one put out there for people to figure out or learn.]

[She knocks on his door and waits anxiously outside.]

voice.
So that was a flood, right? I read about them over the network, but I never expected it to be... [Her voice fades a little.] ...Like that.

This might seem like a really stupid question, but how do most of you recover from something like that?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I was kinda hoping you'd say that.

I don't think any of us could take too much of that. Bianca tormented and poisoned people I love and she did it because she loved them too.

I want to say we're not those people, but we both know we are. But we're the ones who've consistently chosen not to behave like those people. Hold onto that, Daneca, because everyone that knows you doesn't need reminding of it. Even I don't and I've known you five minutes.

and we got one graduation out of it. I won't be too surprised if we get a few more.

[Daneca's not really sure that's a positive spin she can take with this. It doesn't seem right that something like this should push someone towards graduation. It's too much.]

Is that the way people usually graduate? After something like this?

Yes. It's how this boat works. Growth by trauma. Everyone just got a good hard look at the kind of world we end up with when everyone's trying to outpredator each other. Even the hardest cases start to see the value in looking after each other when they've been shown a world where that's the exception.

It's ugly. I manage to live with myself because I didn't force anyone to be here. Because I'm working to give them their chance to leave, and because I go through it with them. But it does work.

But it doesn't always work. Trauma doesn't fix people, it just breaks them down and takes more away from them than they've already lost. Nobody should have to go through that, not even the worst of them that just kill and hurt others for fun or out of boredom.

People can close to each other just by acting like people and treating each other decently. I know some of the inmates will struggle with that, but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

No, the trauma doesn't fix anyone. We fix each other. The trauma's just a way to kickstart that.

...It's easy to say that. It ought to be true. You treat folk decently as natural as breathing. But we both know it's not true for a lot of us. And it's not like they didn't 'ave their chance. My Victor's two 'undred years old; nothing in 'is life's ever given 'im reason to believe that caring for others is owt but a weakness. 'E wouldn't struggle with it; 'e'd laugh in your face and then tear it off with 'is claws. And 'e's not the worst 'ere by a long shot.

I'm not saying it's perfect. Or even right. But it's effective and it's what we've got.

I've watched what trauma did to someone and they didn't go through it alone. There were plenty of people there for them. It made them worse every time something like that happened. No matter what I or anybody else did for them, they just kept slipping further and further into someone I don't know if I even recognize anymore. Because why should they care anymore if that kind of thing just keeps happening over and over again?

I watched them give up on everything, including themselves.

What you're really saying is that you don't have faith in anyone else here in the end. You're saying that you don't have any belief in their ability to change without something really bad happening to them if it hasn't already.

If we're the ones--wardens and inmates--that really help them, then the trauma is unnecessary. If they have any real chance at changing for the better, it's not through trauma. It's through them seeing there's another way and wanting to take that other way for themselves. Some of them may be stubborn and fight it every step of the way, but they can come around eventually.

Don't put words in my mouth, lady. What I'm saying is this is the Barge we've got and this is part of 'ow it works. Did I say that were the only way to change anyone, the best way or even the right way? I did not. I just said it works. I've seen it work. And I'm staying with it because I love this boat and I love people 'ere. That's it. I don't pretend to 'ave an overarching philosophy about the 'ole thing, so don't go extrapolating my feelings about the 'ere and now into one, thank you very much.

Iris.

...sorry, love. You too, Daneca.

It's okay. Everyone's on edge. It's fine.

It's just not the time is all.

Everybody deals how they deal.

[He is personally dealing by not looking Iris in the eye even a little bit.]

[She is dealing by not pushing, not trying to make him, and especially by not bursting into tears right now. It's kind of a near thing.]

No. No, it's not. Right. I'm going to ...go and do something. I'll see you around, I expect.