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I've seen a lot of discussion lately about whether or not people on the Barge being too cavalier about death.

Honestly, I don't know if that's true or not. I haven't been around long enough and I don't think I know enough of you to say. I also wouldn't try to tell anybody how they view death. But I guess I'm just wondering what makes people think that? Or what about the Barge would make people start to treat death less seriously?

I guess some could make the argument that coming back over and over again makes it hard to see death as a big, final chapter or the next big chapter depending on your theological or philosophical standpoint. But I know there are some ideas surrounding death that says we do just come back over and over again as different people or even different creatures. And sometimes we remember past lives or past deaths. Or, I guess if you have a more negative outlook, that we're doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again across lifetimes.

[A pause.]

I guess from my perspective, people just get numb to death when it happens all the time or they stop caring about what happens to them. They just give up. I don't know if that's anything really particular to the Barge.

[Her smile is wry. There's definitely people that have come and gone in her life at home that could fit the profile of just not caring about death anymore.]

I could also be completely wrong, too.

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I'll try. I mean. If I don't, you'll either slap me again or make that face you make, and I'm not really into either of those options.

[He folds up the card and tucks it into his back pocket, then rocks back on his heels.]

What do you think? About death. Here or there or wherever.

[Daneca shrugs a little.]

I think no matter what happens, death is a big deal. And I think people who try and say it's not are either lying or just too overwhelmed to really process it anymore.

[A beat.]

I don't make a face.

Or they think it's normal. Dying, or being hurt or whatever.

[He raises his eyebrows.]

Do too.

[Daneca makes a face.]

Do not.

I'd think death would be worse here though. You still come back from it and still have memories of how you died.

You just made the face!

[HE'S SO RIGHT, GOD.]

The memories were worse for me. I'm used to pain, it doesn't bother me as much as remembering.

[SHE DID NOT, OMG. THAT'S JUST HER FACE!!!]

Cassel, do you realize how screwed up that sounds?

I mean. Kind of.

[No, not really.]

It's true though. I'm not just being . . . whatever. I know pain. It's just . . . [Something that feels comfortable, sometimes.] But dying was new both times.

Pain's just what though, Cassel?

[Daneca thinks she knows what he was just trying to say. She'd just rather he'd say it instead of beating around the bush about it.]

[God, he so doesn't want to talk about this. It's awkward and uncomfortable, and he really doesn't expect her to get it. He hardly even understands it himself, and he's neck-deep in it.]

[Too deep, obviously, to realize that's a big part of why he doesn't get it.]

[He just shrugs tightly.]

It doesn't matter. We weren't talking about me.

We kinda are now though.

[Daneca can sometimes be like a dog with a bone. And with Cassel lately, she prefers to be that way. It's too easy for him to shrug things off, to start lying. Even now.]

Damnit, Daneca.

[He rolls his eyes ceilingward.]

Pain's just a - a constant, okay, can we drop it now?

Cassel, there's a pretty big difference between pain being a constant and what you were about to say. Why can't you just say it?

Because like you said. It's fucked up.

Then are you trying to do something to change that?

[He deflates slightly, glancing to the side at nothing much.]

Yeah, Daneca. All the time, every day. It's what I'm here for. What I'm still here for.

Is it really?

[Or are you just running away again?]

It's part!

[He feels backed into a corner suddenly, and it shows: shoulders up, eyes narrowed, though he's looking right at her.]

It's part of what I'm still here for. Because I never figured out a way for pain not to feel right. Definitely not there. But sometimes when I'm here I don't feel like I have to do everything in my power including get hurt to be valuable.

I don't give a shit if you believe that. [He does. He so does.] It's just the fucking truth.

[Daneca has a sad look to her eyes the longer Cassel keeps talking until eventually they drop down to his feet. She doesn't know what to say to any of that. It's not like anything she'll say will have that much weight -- or that it really should -- or that he'll believe her.]

[Then she just moves forward, throwing her arms around Cassel's neck. She doesn't understand how he can be so stupid. How simple things could be so complicated for him. But they are. He is.]

[He knows he's an idiot about this. He does. That the grooves of his dysfunction are worn so deep that it's unlikely the ground will ever be smooth again. Cassel will never love effortlessly; he'll never instinctively seek out comfort instead of pain. He'll try - he does try, a good portion of the time, now - but it will never be as automatic as it should.]

[It shows in the way he startles when she hugs him, almost pulls away. But he doesn't. Not from her, not since she got here, not since he was finally honest. She deserves more than that.]

[All his instinctive fear is roughly, brutally channeled into a violent need for closeness. He buries his face in her shoulder and trembles, afraid and even more afraid because he can't articulate what's scaring him so much.]

They had to tell me. Over and over, [he mutters into her shoulder, feeling pathetic and awful and small.] Before I believed, even for a minute.

[He had told Kon he wouldn't do work anymore, because it wasn't worth hurting himself for. And he hadn't believed it. Even now, he only believes it in alternate moments, when he believes his own conviction of wholeness.]

[Sometimes it's easy to forget what happened to Cassel. Not because it's something small or easy to write off. That's far from the truth. It's because of Cassel that it's sometimes so easy for even Daneca to forget. He minimizes and controls it. He pretends and lies so convincingly that he's fine, that it doesn't matter, that you want to believe it.]

[But there are moments and there are times when the facade has a few cracks. And suddenly it hits him and everyone around him like a bag of bricks to the chest. She can't say what's going through his mind and she would never presume to know or say what she's thinking and feeling is more important or worse. But she knows how it makes her feel and what she thinks. She feels immediately helpless and useless because she can't erase what's been done to him. She can't give Cassel the fair and clean slate that he deserves, that he's more than deserved, that he can possibly never fully convince himself he deserves.]

[Daneca keeps a firm, but gentle hold on Cassel. A hand cradles the back of his head when he buries his face in her shoulder before dropping down to his back to rub it.]

It's okay, [she tells him softly. Because it is. It's okay that he feels the way he does. Doesn't make it any more right or less screwed up, but it's okay to acknowledge it. He doesn't have to feel bad about it or himself in front of her.] You know now. That's what's important. Nobody here will let you forget. I won't either.

I promise.

[If it were anyone else, it wouldn't feel this natural. Even with Zane and Chris, it's something he's had to train himself into. But he never had to talk himself into letting himself be held by Daneca, really; she was always holding him, even when he was straining to get away. She was trying to whisper comfort in his ear back when he was feral and snarling.]

[Now all he has to do is relax into her arms and let go.]

[Her gentleness is still something he doesn't fully understand, but he loves her for it, and with that love comes a whole new wave of sorrow for the way he used her - the fact that he thought he had the right to use her. Worst of all, the fact that he thought she was using him. Daneca couldn't if she tries.]

[Her voice is so soft, and she is so kind, and Cassel knows he doesn't deserve to be her friend.]

I still get scared. [Something in his voice is pleading. Is that okay? Can I still be a warden, can I still be a man, can I still be grown with fear in my heart? He doesn't know - thinks, but doesn't know; suspects, but doesn't know.]

[He doesn't want to leave the warmth at the crook of her neck.]

Edited 2013-12-11 05:23 (UTC)

That's okay. I know you haven't been that good at being a friend so that's why you don't know, but the best kept secret is that everyone gets scared.

[Even Daneca.]

[She likes to think of herself as very good with people. It's easy for others to open up to her, easy for them to think well of her. She doesn't have to try too hard to be the person people expect her to be.]

[But even she gets scared about people knowing her and loving her. She hides just like Cassel, like everyone else. It's just in a different way.]

[She's probably right. He's seen people he respects, that he looks to for advice and guidance - even Kon - be afraid. What Kon was scared of more than anything was hurting someone by accident. In a way, that's become Cassel's fear, too. No self-control is perfect.]

[But he is getting better, every day. Isn't he? He has to be, or what's the point?]

It feels weak. [He pulls away reluctantly, fighting the urge to hug his elbows.] But I guess it does to everybody.

It's only weak if you let it get in the way.

[Daneca does sometimes. She knows she does. She wishes that she wouldn't, but wishing sometimes isn't enough.]

I'm pretty good at letting shit get in the way.

I don't know. That's the only way I started to be more - okay here. Showing people I was scared.

[He gives her a weak smile.] Is it weird that I'm the only person you know from home here and I'm all fucked up? Like, I'm supposed to be able to help people now. And I guess I have, but. I couldn't imagine . . . ever being like you.

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advocacy - 2013-12-28 07:34 (UTC) - Expand

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