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I've seen a lot of discussion lately about whether or not people on the Barge being too cavalier about death.

Honestly, I don't know if that's true or not. I haven't been around long enough and I don't think I know enough of you to say. I also wouldn't try to tell anybody how they view death. But I guess I'm just wondering what makes people think that? Or what about the Barge would make people start to treat death less seriously?

I guess some could make the argument that coming back over and over again makes it hard to see death as a big, final chapter or the next big chapter depending on your theological or philosophical standpoint. But I know there are some ideas surrounding death that says we do just come back over and over again as different people or even different creatures. And sometimes we remember past lives or past deaths. Or, I guess if you have a more negative outlook, that we're doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again across lifetimes.

[A pause.]

I guess from my perspective, people just get numb to death when it happens all the time or they stop caring about what happens to them. They just give up. I don't know if that's anything really particular to the Barge.

[Her smile is wry. There's definitely people that have come and gone in her life at home that could fit the profile of just not caring about death anymore.]

I could also be completely wrong, too.

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We have therapists - Charles and Mark, and Zane and I are going to start learning.

But... [She shakes her head.] You need to want that kind of help. And I can understand people being wary, or stubborn.

Can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink?

[A wry smile.] Pretty much.

I think it's worse here, too. I mean - at home, bad things can happen any time, too. [There's a hollow amusement in her eyes.] But we have a little more control over it.

Usually.

Has anyone tried to find a way to control the floods or breaches at all?

We'd have to understand them, first, and the Admiral isn't exactly talkative.

He's more of a brick wall from what I've seen than an Admiral.

[A faint snort.] Pretty much.

I mean, things could definitely be worse. [Look at what Toshiko put them through, look at that other Barge.] But that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

[Daneca will definitely take this over that other Barge.]

No, it doesn't really seem to.

Never does, I guess. Not really. [She sounds weary, now.]

Why do you stay?

If you don't mind me asking. You don't have to tell me.

No, it's fine. [But she's silent, for a moment, lips pursing slightly.]

At first, I just - leaving, permanently, felt like giving up. Like I was abandoning the people who couldn't. And - I did graduate someone, eventually. I gave him his life back. And the chance to do that - it seemed worth it.

[A slight, brittle smile.] I did get tired of being jerked around, though. Of getting hurt. So I figured - maybe if I went home for a while, if I came back stronger...

[That makes sense. It's a thought that's rattled around in Daneca's head a few times. Hell, she feels like sometimes her deal is a little too selfish and she could be putting this opportunity to something more global that would be helpful to more than just herself.]

[But she needs this. She knows she does.]

Did you?

Come back stronger, I mean.

[A bleak, quiet laugh.] Yes.

It didn't go exactly the way I'd planned. [She shakes her head.] But I guess most things don't.

[Daneca sighs a little.]

No, they really don't.

[Jean attempts a truer sort of smile; it half works.]

We have to just roll with it. [And it sounds so absurdly simple, that way.]

Or at least try to.

Yeah.

That's one thing about the Barge, you...learn to adapt.

I don't want to think of the alternative.

It steamrolls right over you.

Do or die.

Wonderful.

Yeah.

At least a lot of us are used to that sort of thing.

I'm not really sure I want to get too used to it if I'm perfectly honest.

I don't blame you. [She wishes life could be simpler, easier - that people could just be happy, no matter who or what they were.]

How long have you been on the Barge?

[Daneca wishes for a lot of the same things. She knows they're incredibly long-shot ideals.]

Not very long. Almost two months.

It's hard to remember being that new. [It's been years for her, on and off the ship.] It's...it's easy to lose focus, to get fed up. You need to old on to the idea that you are making a difference, even if it's hard.

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advocacy - 2014-01-13 02:40 (UTC) - Expand

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