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Entry tags:
- baby's first flood,
- cassel complicating everything again,
- denial is not just a river in egypt,
- how do i public addressing?,
- i fell in love with a man on the run,
- scott has a secret too,
- teenage identity crisis,
- that sinner was taken from her,
- was not actually that great,
- zambies & werewoofs & dumpires oh my!
❥ 002 spam/voice
spam - scott.
[Daneca sits in her room for a while, repeatedly closing her eyes. She keeps hoping that every time she does, the thoughts and memories swirling around in her head will stop and every time she opens them again, she hopes they just completely blip out of existence.]
[But unfortunately, what she's thinking and feeling can't be so easily wished away.]
[On the one hand, she can still feel those distant pangs for Barron. The butterflies she felt in his presence mixed with that sense of calm and security where she no longer had to fear what she was sits firmly in the back of her mind. On top of that, she can still feel the loss. The grief she felt--that other Daneca on that other Barge--is so much deeper than what she felt when she found out the truth of what he did to Cassel. She also feels guilt over feeling any of that, over feeling the way she does about Sam, even about Cassel.]
[But even worse is knowing what she did to Scott.]
[She doesn't know how he's handling the idea of her being an emotion worker. Maybe he's as angry as Sam was when he found out she was without hearing it from her directly. Maybe he's furious about her working him at all. Daneca wouldn't blame him if he were; he would be if the situation were reversed. She doesn't go to Scott out of fear of his potential anger though. She's more concerned that he may still be worked or confused.]
[She's also aware that her secret wasn't the only one put out there for people to figure out or learn.]
[She knocks on his door and waits anxiously outside.]
voice.
So that was a flood, right? I read about them over the network, but I never expected it to be... [Her voice fades a little.] ...Like that.
This might seem like a really stupid question, but how do most of you recover from something like that?
[Daneca sits in her room for a while, repeatedly closing her eyes. She keeps hoping that every time she does, the thoughts and memories swirling around in her head will stop and every time she opens them again, she hopes they just completely blip out of existence.]
[But unfortunately, what she's thinking and feeling can't be so easily wished away.]
[On the one hand, she can still feel those distant pangs for Barron. The butterflies she felt in his presence mixed with that sense of calm and security where she no longer had to fear what she was sits firmly in the back of her mind. On top of that, she can still feel the loss. The grief she felt--that other Daneca on that other Barge--is so much deeper than what she felt when she found out the truth of what he did to Cassel. She also feels guilt over feeling any of that, over feeling the way she does about Sam, even about Cassel.]
[But even worse is knowing what she did to Scott.]
[She doesn't know how he's handling the idea of her being an emotion worker. Maybe he's as angry as Sam was when he found out she was without hearing it from her directly. Maybe he's furious about her working him at all. Daneca wouldn't blame him if he were; he would be if the situation were reversed. She doesn't go to Scott out of fear of his potential anger though. She's more concerned that he may still be worked or confused.]
[She's also aware that her secret wasn't the only one put out there for people to figure out or learn.]
[She knocks on his door and waits anxiously outside.]
voice.
So that was a flood, right? I read about them over the network, but I never expected it to be... [Her voice fades a little.] ...Like that.
This might seem like a really stupid question, but how do most of you recover from something like that?
private
[She feels selfish enough asking for this from him that even if there was something else he could give her or bring her, she wouldn't ask for it.]
private ~> spam
[He guesses. God, he's the worst person in the world to be doing this. He wishes there was somebody who knew how to - form sentences who could help her. But he's gonna go even though he's a shitty last choice, and nothing and no one can stop him.]
[He knocks on her door shortly. Under other circumstances, with what he's learned here, he would have brought her something anyway. Something fine and delicate, something pretty, something useful: a flower, a tea-set, a photograph. But he doesn't want to touch anything. His gloves are cinched tight at his wrists.]
It's me.
spam
[The numbness she feels inside at this point is apparent on her face. Her expression is blank and though she's looking at him, there's something clearly far-off and distant in her eyes.]
Come in.
[She steps aside to let him in. Her cabin's her bedroom back at her actual house, not school.]
spam
[We can't all be our mothers' children, he reminds himself, and resists the urge to sit on the floor in the corner and cover his eyes.]
Can I - [he starts, and then gives up and sits down on the edge of the bed.]
Tell me.
spam
[For a few moments, she doesn't tell Cassel anything. She spent the ten minutes he was coming to her cabin trying to outline and plan what she would say and figure out how exactly she wanted to say it. She can't act all that well, but she can at least stick to a script. But now that he's here, it's left her. She shifts uncomfortably in her silence to sit on her hands because otherwise, she thinks she's going to just spend the whole time staring at them.]
[She cares about Barron more than she should. She doesn't love Sam like she should. She's ashamed of what she is as she shouldn't be. She's using Cassel like maybe she should, but she feels she shouldn't. The only thing she seems to be doing right is bearing guilt. And she wants Cassel, of all people, to absolve her of it. Daneca wishes she could say that's not what she wants. It seems like the more mature thing to bear the responsibility she's supposed to take, but she feels like she's just one small tap from shattering.]
[At the same time though, she knows she doesn't want Cassel to tell her it's okay or to make up excuses for her. She doesn't want Cassel to lie to her even though that's what he's best at and that's why she asked him to talk to her.]
I know you know what my deal is.
spam
[Instead, he just watches. He waits. He doesn't think about the ways in which this is all familiar to him. And when she speaks at last, he nods.]
I know what your deal is.
[A hesitation, here; it feels as though the walls are closing in. There's a spasm in his cheek. Too much work, too little time to rest.]
I . . . figured with it being what it was. You wouldn't want people to know. But the Barge doesn't - listen to what you want.
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[Daneca purses her lips. She thinks about looking at Cassel, but she doesn't. She still can't.]
I-I don't know how many people know outside of you and Scott right now, but I can't ask you to lie for me or to cover it up for me, Cassel.
[But God, does she wish that she could.]
[Daneca draws her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Right now, she wishes she could just outright evaporate as an alternative.]
I can't even ask for your help with Scott. I can't ask anything out of you because this is my mess and I have to deal with it. But I just...
[She trails off, shaking her head. She closes her eyes, resting her forehead on her knees.]
[Daneca doesn't know where she was headed with that sentence. Maybe she was going to say she wished it didn't have to come out like this or that she could take it back and undo what she did to Scott. Maybe she was going to say she's terrified and feels alone and so unhappy. Maybe she was just going to say she feels lost. Maybe she was going to say she shouldn't feel like this at all, but can't stop it anyway.]
[She doesn't know what she was going to say anymore because already the tears of her frustration and her guilt have come forth. And she just feels even smaller for crying like this because she's supposed to have it together. She knew what she was getting into when she signed up for this and she knew changing something like this would come at a hefty price. Daneca has all the reasons and none of right ones to start bawling her eyes out in front of Cassel, but the tears are almost as uncontrollable as the ones she had through the blowback with Scott which just gives them even more power over her in the moment.]
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[But.]
[There is also, he thinks, Zane, and there are people like Zane who prove that what you can do is not the same as what you are. That you don't have to be a criminal just because you can do something proscribed as criminal, and you certainly don't have to hurt people.]
[His mother is a nightmare, a caricature of a worker, a self-made monster. Daneca is on a plane wholly separate from Shandra Singer.]
[Now it's just a matter of making himself believe it. Not just the logic, but the heart of it.]
[Gingerly, he pushes her hair out of her face and behind her ear.]
Just 'cause it's your mess doesn't mean you have to deal with it alone.
spam
I don't know what to do, Cassel. That person I was there is just so far from who I am, but I'm having to deal with everything she did.
[She could barely work up the nerve to even attempt working Lila under the radar. On that other Barge, she was working Scott regularly to keep his moods under control, to keep him from bugging her about the bite. And what she did to Sam? No matter what, Daneca could never do that.]
And it's not just Scott, but what she did to Sam. The way she felt about Barron. About you.
spam
[He chews his lip for a second and then shrugs tightly, not dismissing her, just - helpless.]
One time before this, there was a flood, and I was - not quite as bad as that. But close. And then a while ago, you saw, I did things that . . . technically it wasn't me, but I had to carry it around anyway.
[It doesn't need saying that this situation sort of goes above and beyond. He pinches the bridge of his nose hard, in part because he's getting a headache and in part to distract from the sudden pangs in his shoulder. In part so he doesn't have to think about Slevin right now. For like five fucking seconds. Daneca's where his head needs to be.]
The Barge throws this shit at you and then you're expected to pick up the pieces somehow. Some people do it like James does by drinking and some people do it like Iris does by papering over it like it never happened, and some people just feel like shit and hide until the next thing happens.
But you can't lie or hide because it's gonna eat you up inside if you do. You can't just talk to people because you're new and every asshole and their mom is talking about hey aren't you Cassel's friend, and you don't want anybody to know what you can do anyway.
That's what it seems like, anyway. I just -
I don't care if it's not nice, Daneca, and I don't care that you're still feeling the blowback. You can't just sit on it forever and expect it to get better, so if there's something you want to say to me no matter what it is - that's why I came. I'm not anybody's first choice in confidante, I know I'm not yours, but I can. I don't know. I can just shut up and listen.
spam
[She's hesitating because she knows he's only her first choice to talk to right now because of convenience. She's also hesitating because, truth be told, she doesn't want to say anything she can't take back. Daneca knows she probably shouldn't care what she says to Cassel or how he takes it. What he did to her, did to Barron, sets up him with no room to complain. But she can't be that petty. Worst of all, saying it out loud makes it real. And she's not sure she's okay with it being real.]
[There's a fresh wave of tears, but she starts to talk.]
Cassel, you don't know what it's like to be called a liar because you've spent your whole life lying to everyone. You don't know what it was like to have Sam treat me like that. He practically idolized you even after you left. He didn't hold anything against you.
But he tossed me aside like I was trash when he found out I'm a worker.
After we got back together, he wanted so much for it go back to the way it was. And it never will. Because when he looks at me, he doesn't look at me with love in his eyes. It's just distrust.
And Barron never looked at me like that. Not once. He knew and he didn't care. He trusted me. And I trusted him.
[She reaches out, holding onto Cassel's arm with a hand. She has a tight grip, but it's nowhere near painful. It's just desperate for him to understand, to forgive her.]
I don't regret breaking up with Barron. I don't. Because after I found out what he did to you, I would be the one looking at him the way Sam looks at me and I couldn't do that to him or to myself. But that was... That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, Cassel.
I loved him.
And he's gone.
spam
[Work was everything to him, every ounce of value in his body was on his lack of work and then, abruptly, the rarity of what he could do - and work and lies have always been so inextricably entwined that the idea of being a worker without being a criminal, being a worker and an artist or a father or an activist, had never struck him as something that could be real. But Daneca was always more than her work.]
[And Sam never got it. Sam just - sort of bought into what Cassel was saying, not because he didn't care about Daneca but because they were the same kind of fucking idiot in a lot of ways, and because it was dramatic and had swagger and if Sam was nothing else he was cinema-minded.]
[Cassel bows his head for a moment, fingers twitching. He's torn between wanting to touch her hand, to reassure her, and not wanting to touch anyone ever again.]
[But he lays his hand on hers anyway.]
You miss him.
[There's nothing in him but understanding. He misses Barron, too.]
spam
[It's the most honest Cassel has ever been.]
I do.
[And she doesn't wish that she didn't. She doesn't want anyone or anything to take that away from her. She won't let them.]
spam
You got every right to.
[There's no forgiveness because there's nothing to forgive. She loved him - loves him. Cassel knows better than anybody that loving someone is one of those things that sticks like a burr and gets right under your skin. You can't just brush it off, you can't just make it go away.]
[Lila will never leave him, and he knows now that really, whatever that was, it wasn't love. He can't imagine what it's like for Daneca, knowing now what Cassel's done and coming from a place where Barron's dead by Cassel's hand.]
[It's bravery or desperation or some fucked-up combination that's got her here at all, after that.]
I miss him too.
spam
[This boy sitting beside her isn't the Cassel that she knows, that she remembers. She can see him still in there. Shades of him keep clawing their way out to the surface and make him fidget and uncomfortable in his own skin, but that's not the face she sees when she looks at him. There's a boy that can think outside himself, that can see people for more than what he wants them to be. There's a boy that Daneca wanted to see more of all along.]
[There's a friend.]
[Her voice is soft like maybe she's afraid she'll scare him away.]
You've changed.
spam
[He knows that. He's all right with it. He pities himself for a hundred things but not that, not anymore.]
[Something shifts in his eyes. Pain slides across them like cataract clouds, and then he squeezes her hand lightly.]
Yeah. I have. But I'm not here for me.
spam
[Daneca takes back her hand only to wrap her arms around Cassel's neck. She's not sorry for how she reacted or even the way she treated Cassel when she found out the truth. Even Daneca knows that she was well within her rights and she's still within her rights to never forgive him for that. But she is a little sorry for not seeing the change sooner.]
It's a good change, Cassel.
spam
[To his credit, he only jumps a little before tucking his chin against her shoulder and pulling her close.]
I'm.
[Thanks, is maybe what he means, or maybe not. Because it wasn't him. It was him and everyone, everything else.]
I'm glad. I don't wanna be a liar anymore.
spam
I don't know if Scott still...
[In love with her? Lusting after her? The latter makes Daneca blush some.]
[Oh God and they were-- On her bed--!]
[Daneca suddenly gets up to her feet and folds her arms uncomfortably. She clears her throat.]
You know.
spam
At least he's nice here. Me and the girl who killed me right after I got here were definitely you know during a flood.
[Cassel, that's not helpful. He hesitates and then amends that statement.]
You'd have to ask him. Is what I mean.
[And then there's the part of him that wants to say "I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend back home" but for one thing, not his business; for another, he's sort of been converted to the "things change and life is massively confusing" school of thought.]
spam
It wouldn't matter even if he does. I was working him there. [Constantly. It's disgusting and makes Daneca's skin crawl, but she pushes past it because now's not the time for how she feels.] It could've carried over after everything went back to normal.
I probably shouldn't even be around him that much.
[And not like Daneca can think of a lot of reasons he'd want to be either. She needs to have that talk with him in-person because it's not something you do over a communicator, but after that? Giving each other space is probably for the best.]
spam
That kind of shit doesn't carry over. He'll remember it and what it felt like but that's it. But if you don't want to be around him you don't have to.
[Because she's pretending her feelings don't exist and that's dumb.]
spam
I like him. As a friend, I mean. [Normally she wouldn't clarify, but given the line of conversation...] But this makes it weird. It's not like when you and Sam found out.
[Though she wouldn't really blame Scott if he reacted the way Sam did. At least he'd be justified in reacting like that.]
spam
[At which he sucks his teeth a little because how do you even be a good person? He doesn't know.]
spam
[She never asked Cassel before. He just said he'd handle it for her and really, he couldn't do much of anything to change Sam's mind. She's not even sure once Sam came around that Cassel had anything to do with it or it was because Daneca was finding some way to be happy without him.]
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