advocacy | ❥ 002 spam/voice

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❥ 002 spam/voice

spam - scott.
[Daneca sits in her room for a while, repeatedly closing her eyes. She keeps hoping that every time she does, the thoughts and memories swirling around in her head will stop and every time she opens them again, she hopes they just completely blip out of existence.]

[But unfortunately, what she's thinking and feeling can't be so easily wished away.]

[On the one hand, she can still feel those distant pangs for Barron. The butterflies she felt in his presence mixed with that sense of calm and security where she no longer had to fear what she was sits firmly in the back of her mind. On top of that, she can still feel the loss. The grief she felt--that other Daneca on that other Barge--is so much deeper than what she felt when she found out the truth of what he did to Cassel. She also feels guilt over feeling any of that, over feeling the way she does about Sam, even about Cassel.]

[But even worse is knowing what she did to Scott.]

[She doesn't know how he's handling the idea of her being an emotion worker. Maybe he's as angry as Sam was when he found out she was without hearing it from her directly. Maybe he's furious about her working him at all. Daneca wouldn't blame him if he were; he would be if the situation were reversed. She doesn't go to Scott out of fear of his potential anger though. She's more concerned that he may still be worked or confused.]

[She's also aware that her secret wasn't the only one put out there for people to figure out or learn.]

[She knocks on his door and waits anxiously outside.]

voice.
So that was a flood, right? I read about them over the network, but I never expected it to be... [Her voice fades a little.] ...Like that.

This might seem like a really stupid question, but how do most of you recover from something like that?

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I know. It's okay. I just...

[Daneca takes back her hand only to wrap her arms around Cassel's neck. She's not sorry for how she reacted or even the way she treated Cassel when she found out the truth. Even Daneca knows that she was well within her rights and she's still within her rights to never forgive him for that. But she is a little sorry for not seeing the change sooner.]

It's a good change, Cassel.

[She hugs him, and he doesn't understand. There's still a cavernous divide between what he has come to allow and enjoy here and what was dangerous at home. Touch is allowed, here; it's not frightening. And yet Daneca isn't of this place, not yet, not quite.]

[To his credit, he only jumps a little before tucking his chin against her shoulder and pulling her close.]

I'm.

[Thanks, is maybe what he means, or maybe not. Because it wasn't him. It was him and everyone, everything else.]

I'm glad. I don't wanna be a liar anymore.

[She gives him a small squeeze before she pulls away again. She rubs her eyes with the heels of her hands before rubbing them on her pantlegs. Daneca is about to apologize for breaking down on him like that, but she decides not to. In a way, it was good that she did. There's nothing to apologize for.]

I don't know if Scott still...

[In love with her? Lusting after her? The latter makes Daneca blush some.]

[Oh God and they were-- On her bed--!]

[Daneca suddenly gets up to her feet and folds her arms uncomfortably. She clears her throat.]

You know.

[Okay, he can't help but smile a little at that reaction. It's a dick move but it's what he's got.]

At least he's nice here. Me and the girl who killed me right after I got here were definitely you know during a flood.

[Cassel, that's not helpful. He hesitates and then amends that statement.]

You'd have to ask him. Is what I mean.

[And then there's the part of him that wants to say "I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend back home" but for one thing, not his business; for another, he's sort of been converted to the "things change and life is massively confusing" school of thought.]

[She frowns a little at him prior to his amendment. She knows when she's being made fun of though she's not that mad at him about it. It's just the way he is.]

It wouldn't matter even if he does. I was working him there. [Constantly. It's disgusting and makes Daneca's skin crawl, but she pushes past it because now's not the time for how she feels.] It could've carried over after everything went back to normal.

I probably shouldn't even be around him that much.

[And not like Daneca can think of a lot of reasons he'd want to be either. She needs to have that talk with him in-person because it's not something you do over a communicator, but after that? Giving each other space is probably for the best.]

[That does make him flinch, a little subtle twitch under his eye, but it's there.]

That kind of shit doesn't carry over. He'll remember it and what it felt like but that's it. But if you don't want to be around him you don't have to.

[Because she's pretending her feelings don't exist and that's dumb.]

Edited 2013-11-02 21:54 (UTC)

[It's a little dumb, but she has a hard time sometimes remembering that her feelings, you know, super matter. She just sees Scott right now as a victim of hers.]

I like him. As a friend, I mean. [Normally she wouldn't clarify, but given the line of conversation...] But this makes it weird. It's not like when you and Sam found out.

[Though she wouldn't really blame Scott if he reacted the way Sam did. At least he'd be justified in reacting like that.]

If he does what Sam did he's a hypocrite and an asshole. [Utterly flat.] He was terrified of anyone finding out about him. But I don't think he will. He's a better person than that.

[At which he sucks his teeth a little because how do you even be a good person? He doesn't know.]

Do you think... [Daneca purses her lips and she hesitates to ask.] Do you think Sam was right? In reacting like that, I mean.

[She never asked Cassel before. He just said he'd handle it for her and really, he couldn't do much of anything to change Sam's mind. She's not even sure once Sam came around that Cassel had anything to do with it or it was because Daneca was finding some way to be happy without him.]

[Even though he knows what his answer is now, he takes a while to respond, just because he doesn't know what he would have said before. They're equally important, he thinks, both answers, because Daneca doesn't quite know who he is now, even if she's seen it. She never wanted to accept what he was then, either.]

[Eventually, he shakes his head.]

No. He wasn't. When it happened, I don't really know what I thought but it was all tangled up with - with my mom and with Lila and everything. Which isn't fair. That's what people want to think about emotion workers because it's easy. And for me it was - really, really easy.

But you're so far away from being like my mom you're on another planet. Sam was wrong.

[Daneca glances down at the floor for a moment, just to let that settle in. It's what she wants to believe in for herself. Sam took the easy way out and didn't want to put in the work until later. She's not even sure of how much work he's willing to put in even now.]

I think we're going to break up. When I get back home.

[Because she will leave. Once she gets her deal.]

[She looks back up at Cassel.]

I still love him and I always will. And I think he loves me, too. But I'm not in love with him anymore and I'm not sure if he's in love with me either.

I wanted to be. Like he did. Does. But I can't make myself.

[It feels strange saying it out loud and she can feel a soft buzz within her from saying it. It's been there, in the back of her mind and deep down in her heart all this time, but she never dared to say it out loud to anyone before. It would make it and her unhappiness with Sam too real.]

[It'll upset Sam. But doing the right thing is often pretty fucking upsetting. He hurt Lila intensely when he decided to stay here, not to mention all the people he didn't get to say goodbye to in person, but he still knows that's the right thing. If this is Daneca's right thing, then whatever. Sam'll recover.]

[Besides which, not his business. He got in between them before, in between Daneca and what she wanted specifically, and he sure as hell isn't making that mistake again.]

Nah. You can't make yourself love somebody, you can't stop yourself from loving somebody. You can't . . . make yourself be with somebody you don't love just because it'd make it easier on them. That's no way to live.

You gotta do what's right for you, not - anybody else. Not me or Sam or your mom or whoever.

[That's why he won't tell her she shouldn't make the deal she's made. If it's right for her - then it's right for her. That's just how it is.]

[Daneca nods a little. She didn't really realize that it's what she needed to hear and she couldn't have possibly imagined it would be Cassel saying it to her, but she's glad to hear it.]

Thanks, Cassel. For being here and listening.

[Because she knows it wasn't easy for him even if he won't say so.]

[He ducks his head and nods, then hesitantly bumps her shoulder with his.]

'S'cool. I'm. Actually not that bad at listening lately.

[It's still awkward and strange, especially because he's not used to talking with Daneca specifically. He's used to talking at her and then ignoring what she says in return. But he's trying to listen now.]

. . . You gonna say anything about the blowback or not? Because you can bullshit other people but you can't bullshit me, not on that one.

[Daneca flushes at the mention of the blowback. She knows that she, obviously, can't really control it when it happens, but she still feels embarrassed over it.]

I'll talk about that just as soon as you explain to me why there's a rabbit named after me.

[He actually slides back towards the wall on the bed at the mention of that particular topic. Rubs his temples.]

Because that's how you fucking introduce yourself to somebody, thank you Zane, Jesus Christ.

[Jesus Christ.]

He - look, he wanted me to name his stupid rabbit and he felt like shit and it - I don't know, it felt like the right thing to do. Like maybe it would . . .

[Cassel trails off. What had he been thinking, anyway? That it would make Zane stronger to have something of Daneca close by, even if it was just her name? That remembering her himself would keep him from feeling worthless and lost? He doesn't know.]

It just felt right.

I'm sor-- I know it's weird, okay, I'm sorry.

[Daneca smiles and shakes her head a little.]

You don't have to apologize. I mean, it's kinda weird, but it's not a bad thing.

[It's sweet, actually. Weird. But sweet.]

And she's cute. Zane showed her to me. While he was talking you up. He really thinks the world of you.

[He squeezes his eyes shut and pinches the bridge of his nose. That was right after . . . shit.]

What the hell did he - no, you know what, I probably don't wanna know.

[It's intensely affectionate, though, in its own way.]

[Daneca rubs at the back of her neck a little.]

He didn't really get how I could feel the way I do about Barron. Not like the way Chris was, but... [She frowns a little.] He said he used to be like you and Barron both. But he got better.

And he said you did, too.

I just wasn't really ready to listen.

[Entirely unbothered, he shrugs.]

Why would you listen? I was a giant douche. And then Chris was a giant douche. And it was just a big . . . parade of welcome-to-the-Barge douches. Zane's a douche, too. It's a major part of why we get along.

He's not wrong about himself. He used people, he wanted to be better, he is, now. But they only know Barron the way I know him, not the way you do. And they don't get that I feel differently about Barron than I used to, either, and that half of what I feel about Barron doesn't make sense anyway.

[Daneca figured as much. Well, not the part about how Cassel felt about Barron. She didn't know about that until just a few minutes ago. But it figures they don't understand if they never actually got the chance to know him outside the way Cassel did. She'd probably hate him, too.]

The blowback really sucks. [She looks down at her hands.] I know it's not as bad as what you go through. I don't know how you stand that. But it still sucks. It just...

[How to put it?]

It just feels like someone else is calling the shots. You want to get a grip because you know what's happening, but you can't and you're just stuck on this really, really crappy ride. You just keep moving from crying to laughing to wanting to break everything in the room on the turn of a dime.

It's worse when you're with another person. Because everything they're doing is magnified by a thousand and your reactions by a million. And there's nothing you can do to stop it and you can't really explain it in a way they understand. [She glances up at Cassel.] Not that they should have to understand. But you want them to.

[It was also part of Cassel's plan to make them hate Barron, at least at the start. He knows this in some abstract sense, though he never explicitly planned it. It was just part of how he functioned, back then: shore up alliances, delineate his enemies. But Barron isn't his enemy anymore.]

[He listens carefully, this time without flinching. After she's been speaking for a little while, he leans forward, crossing his legs and resting his hands on his knees. He remembers seeing this from the other side. It's entirely different, hearing Daneca say it.]

[But it sure sounds familiar. Magnified by a thousand, a million.]

[He nods.]

Is it still happening? Like right now? 'Cause mine . . . the worst of it's over in a few minutes. But it lingers a while.

It's... [Daneca frowns a little.] It's passing. It's just sometimes I get thinking and then suddenly my thoughts are going a hundred miles an hour.

[Which leads to the excessive mood swing shortly thereafter.]

I'll be fine though. I can handle it.

[There's a small beat before she asks,] What about you?

[He gives her a dubious look - she can handle it, of course she can, but that's such a crap thing to say that he's kind of on the fence about it in general, and still unsure whether she'd ask for help if she needed it. That's all he does, though; he doesn't doubt her aloud. She doesn't need that.]

[The question draws him up short. He should've expected it, but didn't, somehow.]

It's fading. It would be over already, but there were, uh, a lot in a row.

[He scrubs his hands over his face and lets them fall to his lap again.]

I might be freaking out a little. [Or a lot.]

I know there's not much I can do for you, but if there's anything?

[He probably won't tell her. But she's still going to tell him to tell her anyways.]