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❥ 002 spam/voice

spam - scott.
[Daneca sits in her room for a while, repeatedly closing her eyes. She keeps hoping that every time she does, the thoughts and memories swirling around in her head will stop and every time she opens them again, she hopes they just completely blip out of existence.]

[But unfortunately, what she's thinking and feeling can't be so easily wished away.]

[On the one hand, she can still feel those distant pangs for Barron. The butterflies she felt in his presence mixed with that sense of calm and security where she no longer had to fear what she was sits firmly in the back of her mind. On top of that, she can still feel the loss. The grief she felt--that other Daneca on that other Barge--is so much deeper than what she felt when she found out the truth of what he did to Cassel. She also feels guilt over feeling any of that, over feeling the way she does about Sam, even about Cassel.]

[But even worse is knowing what she did to Scott.]

[She doesn't know how he's handling the idea of her being an emotion worker. Maybe he's as angry as Sam was when he found out she was without hearing it from her directly. Maybe he's furious about her working him at all. Daneca wouldn't blame him if he were; he would be if the situation were reversed. She doesn't go to Scott out of fear of his potential anger though. She's more concerned that he may still be worked or confused.]

[She's also aware that her secret wasn't the only one put out there for people to figure out or learn.]

[She knocks on his door and waits anxiously outside.]

voice.
So that was a flood, right? I read about them over the network, but I never expected it to be... [Her voice fades a little.] ...Like that.

This might seem like a really stupid question, but how do most of you recover from something like that?

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[It's all he can do not to flinch when she starts crying. Not really what you're supposed to do when somebody gets upset, he knows that. It's not that she's an emotion worker, not exactly. Or it's not just because of that. It's a knot of emotions, unsafe; emotions, changed; emotions, dangerous from inside and out, the slap of a gloved hand across his face, sharp nails digging into his cheek, and crying and crying and crying and--]

[But.]

[There is also, he thinks, Zane, and there are people like Zane who prove that what you can do is not the same as what you are. That you don't have to be a criminal just because you can do something proscribed as criminal, and you certainly don't have to hurt people.]

[His mother is a nightmare, a caricature of a worker, a self-made monster. Daneca is on a plane wholly separate from Shandra Singer.]

[Now it's just a matter of making himself believe it. Not just the logic, but the heart of it.]

[Gingerly, he pushes her hair out of her face and behind her ear.]

Just 'cause it's your mess doesn't mean you have to deal with it alone.

[The gentleness is not something Daneca expects and she looks at Cassel with confusion. It's not that he lacked the ability to be a good guy or to be a sympathetic ear, but he just wasn't the kind of person that did gentle touching all that much. He was more the shifting nervously while he listened to you spill your guts and hoping it wouldn't go on too long because he'd run out of things to say kind of guy.]

I don't know what to do, Cassel. That person I was there is just so far from who I am, but I'm having to deal with everything she did.

[She could barely work up the nerve to even attempt working Lila under the radar. On that other Barge, she was working Scott regularly to keep his moods under control, to keep him from bugging her about the bite. And what she did to Sam? No matter what, Daneca could never do that.]

And it's not just Scott, but what she did to Sam. The way she felt about Barron. About you.

[The issue here, of course, is that there's no way to sweep all of this under the rug. There's no way to guarantee it won't happen again. This place is in perpetual motion, and sometimes the places it goes are hellish.]

[He chews his lip for a second and then shrugs tightly, not dismissing her, just - helpless.]

One time before this, there was a flood, and I was - not quite as bad as that. But close. And then a while ago, you saw, I did things that . . . technically it wasn't me, but I had to carry it around anyway.

[It doesn't need saying that this situation sort of goes above and beyond. He pinches the bridge of his nose hard, in part because he's getting a headache and in part to distract from the sudden pangs in his shoulder. In part so he doesn't have to think about Slevin right now. For like five fucking seconds. Daneca's where his head needs to be.]

The Barge throws this shit at you and then you're expected to pick up the pieces somehow. Some people do it like James does by drinking and some people do it like Iris does by papering over it like it never happened, and some people just feel like shit and hide until the next thing happens.

But you can't lie or hide because it's gonna eat you up inside if you do. You can't just talk to people because you're new and every asshole and their mom is talking about hey aren't you Cassel's friend, and you don't want anybody to know what you can do anyway.

That's what it seems like, anyway. I just -

I don't care if it's not nice, Daneca, and I don't care that you're still feeling the blowback. You can't just sit on it forever and expect it to get better, so if there's something you want to say to me no matter what it is - that's why I came. I'm not anybody's first choice in confidante, I know I'm not yours, but I can. I don't know. I can just shut up and listen.

Edited 2013-11-02 07:38 (UTC)

[Daneca worries her lower lip. She can be so fearless in saying what's on her mind or standing up for what she believes is right, but this is a truth she's afraid of saying out loud.]

[She's hesitating because she knows he's only her first choice to talk to right now because of convenience. She's also hesitating because, truth be told, she doesn't want to say anything she can't take back. Daneca knows she probably shouldn't care what she says to Cassel or how he takes it. What he did to her, did to Barron, sets up him with no room to complain. But she can't be that petty. Worst of all, saying it out loud makes it real. And she's not sure she's okay with it being real.]

[There's a fresh wave of tears, but she starts to talk.]

Cassel, you don't know what it's like to be called a liar because you've spent your whole life lying to everyone. You don't know what it was like to have Sam treat me like that. He practically idolized you even after you left. He didn't hold anything against you.

But he tossed me aside like I was trash when he found out I'm a worker.

After we got back together, he wanted so much for it go back to the way it was. And it never will. Because when he looks at me, he doesn't look at me with love in his eyes. It's just distrust.

And Barron never looked at me like that. Not once. He knew and he didn't care. He trusted me. And I trusted him.

[She reaches out, holding onto Cassel's arm with a hand. She has a tight grip, but it's nowhere near painful. It's just desperate for him to understand, to forgive her.]

I don't regret breaking up with Barron. I don't. Because after I found out what he did to you, I would be the one looking at him the way Sam looks at me and I couldn't do that to him or to myself. But that was... That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, Cassel.

I loved him.

And he's gone.

[It's like he's been struck, like she's slapped him again and deservedly. His ability to look at things from other people's perspectives is still terrible but at least he can sometimes; back home he never really could. On some theoretical level he knew that before now, but never this strongly.]

[Work was everything to him, every ounce of value in his body was on his lack of work and then, abruptly, the rarity of what he could do - and work and lies have always been so inextricably entwined that the idea of being a worker without being a criminal, being a worker and an artist or a father or an activist, had never struck him as something that could be real. But Daneca was always more than her work.]

[And Sam never got it. Sam just - sort of bought into what Cassel was saying, not because he didn't care about Daneca but because they were the same kind of fucking idiot in a lot of ways, and because it was dramatic and had swagger and if Sam was nothing else he was cinema-minded.]

[Cassel bows his head for a moment, fingers twitching. He's torn between wanting to touch her hand, to reassure her, and not wanting to touch anyone ever again.]

[But he lays his hand on hers anyway.]

You miss him.

[There's nothing in him but understanding. He misses Barron, too.]

[Daneca glances at Cassel's hand on hers. It's not out of paranoia because--despite everything Cassel has done, everything he could do--she trusts him that much. But she's still surprised because it doesn't seem like something he saw on TV once that he figures he should probably do. It's something real from him.]

[It's the most honest Cassel has ever been.]

I do.

[And she doesn't wish that she didn't. She doesn't want anyone or anything to take that away from her. She won't let them.]

[He nods. Still doesn't look at her, though this time not because he doesn't want to but because it hurts, thinking about Barron.]

You got every right to.

[There's no forgiveness because there's nothing to forgive. She loved him - loves him. Cassel knows better than anybody that loving someone is one of those things that sticks like a burr and gets right under your skin. You can't just brush it off, you can't just make it go away.]

[Lila will never leave him, and he knows now that really, whatever that was, it wasn't love. He can't imagine what it's like for Daneca, knowing now what Cassel's done and coming from a place where Barron's dead by Cassel's hand.]

[It's bravery or desperation or some fucked-up combination that's got her here at all, after that.]

I miss him too.

[Daneca opens her mouth to respond, but she closes it because she quickly realizes she doesn't know what to say.]

[This boy sitting beside her isn't the Cassel that she knows, that she remembers. She can see him still in there. Shades of him keep clawing their way out to the surface and make him fidget and uncomfortable in his own skin, but that's not the face she sees when she looks at him. There's a boy that can think outside himself, that can see people for more than what he wants them to be. There's a boy that Daneca wanted to see more of all along.]

[There's a friend.]

[Her voice is soft like maybe she's afraid she'll scare him away.]

You've changed.

[His gaze jumps to her face all of a sudden, alarmed. The word change frightens him for a tenth of a second and then he understands, or thinks he does - she sees. She won't forgive him, because just as there's nothing she's done to require forgiveness, there are some things that simply can't be forgiven.]

[He knows that. He's all right with it. He pities himself for a hundred things but not that, not anymore.]

[Something shifts in his eyes. Pain slides across them like cataract clouds, and then he squeezes her hand lightly.]

Yeah. I have. But I'm not here for me.

I know. It's okay. I just...

[Daneca takes back her hand only to wrap her arms around Cassel's neck. She's not sorry for how she reacted or even the way she treated Cassel when she found out the truth. Even Daneca knows that she was well within her rights and she's still within her rights to never forgive him for that. But she is a little sorry for not seeing the change sooner.]

It's a good change, Cassel.

[She hugs him, and he doesn't understand. There's still a cavernous divide between what he has come to allow and enjoy here and what was dangerous at home. Touch is allowed, here; it's not frightening. And yet Daneca isn't of this place, not yet, not quite.]

[To his credit, he only jumps a little before tucking his chin against her shoulder and pulling her close.]

I'm.

[Thanks, is maybe what he means, or maybe not. Because it wasn't him. It was him and everyone, everything else.]

I'm glad. I don't wanna be a liar anymore.

[She gives him a small squeeze before she pulls away again. She rubs her eyes with the heels of her hands before rubbing them on her pantlegs. Daneca is about to apologize for breaking down on him like that, but she decides not to. In a way, it was good that she did. There's nothing to apologize for.]

I don't know if Scott still...

[In love with her? Lusting after her? The latter makes Daneca blush some.]

[Oh God and they were-- On her bed--!]

[Daneca suddenly gets up to her feet and folds her arms uncomfortably. She clears her throat.]

You know.

[Okay, he can't help but smile a little at that reaction. It's a dick move but it's what he's got.]

At least he's nice here. Me and the girl who killed me right after I got here were definitely you know during a flood.

[Cassel, that's not helpful. He hesitates and then amends that statement.]

You'd have to ask him. Is what I mean.

[And then there's the part of him that wants to say "I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend back home" but for one thing, not his business; for another, he's sort of been converted to the "things change and life is massively confusing" school of thought.]

[She frowns a little at him prior to his amendment. She knows when she's being made fun of though she's not that mad at him about it. It's just the way he is.]

It wouldn't matter even if he does. I was working him there. [Constantly. It's disgusting and makes Daneca's skin crawl, but she pushes past it because now's not the time for how she feels.] It could've carried over after everything went back to normal.

I probably shouldn't even be around him that much.

[And not like Daneca can think of a lot of reasons he'd want to be either. She needs to have that talk with him in-person because it's not something you do over a communicator, but after that? Giving each other space is probably for the best.]

[That does make him flinch, a little subtle twitch under his eye, but it's there.]

That kind of shit doesn't carry over. He'll remember it and what it felt like but that's it. But if you don't want to be around him you don't have to.

[Because she's pretending her feelings don't exist and that's dumb.]

Edited 2013-11-02 21:54 (UTC)

[It's a little dumb, but she has a hard time sometimes remembering that her feelings, you know, super matter. She just sees Scott right now as a victim of hers.]

I like him. As a friend, I mean. [Normally she wouldn't clarify, but given the line of conversation...] But this makes it weird. It's not like when you and Sam found out.

[Though she wouldn't really blame Scott if he reacted the way Sam did. At least he'd be justified in reacting like that.]

If he does what Sam did he's a hypocrite and an asshole. [Utterly flat.] He was terrified of anyone finding out about him. But I don't think he will. He's a better person than that.

[At which he sucks his teeth a little because how do you even be a good person? He doesn't know.]

Do you think... [Daneca purses her lips and she hesitates to ask.] Do you think Sam was right? In reacting like that, I mean.

[She never asked Cassel before. He just said he'd handle it for her and really, he couldn't do much of anything to change Sam's mind. She's not even sure once Sam came around that Cassel had anything to do with it or it was because Daneca was finding some way to be happy without him.]

[Even though he knows what his answer is now, he takes a while to respond, just because he doesn't know what he would have said before. They're equally important, he thinks, both answers, because Daneca doesn't quite know who he is now, even if she's seen it. She never wanted to accept what he was then, either.]

[Eventually, he shakes his head.]

No. He wasn't. When it happened, I don't really know what I thought but it was all tangled up with - with my mom and with Lila and everything. Which isn't fair. That's what people want to think about emotion workers because it's easy. And for me it was - really, really easy.

But you're so far away from being like my mom you're on another planet. Sam was wrong.

[Daneca glances down at the floor for a moment, just to let that settle in. It's what she wants to believe in for herself. Sam took the easy way out and didn't want to put in the work until later. She's not even sure of how much work he's willing to put in even now.]

I think we're going to break up. When I get back home.

[Because she will leave. Once she gets her deal.]

[She looks back up at Cassel.]

I still love him and I always will. And I think he loves me, too. But I'm not in love with him anymore and I'm not sure if he's in love with me either.

I wanted to be. Like he did. Does. But I can't make myself.

[It feels strange saying it out loud and she can feel a soft buzz within her from saying it. It's been there, in the back of her mind and deep down in her heart all this time, but she never dared to say it out loud to anyone before. It would make it and her unhappiness with Sam too real.]

[It'll upset Sam. But doing the right thing is often pretty fucking upsetting. He hurt Lila intensely when he decided to stay here, not to mention all the people he didn't get to say goodbye to in person, but he still knows that's the right thing. If this is Daneca's right thing, then whatever. Sam'll recover.]

[Besides which, not his business. He got in between them before, in between Daneca and what she wanted specifically, and he sure as hell isn't making that mistake again.]

Nah. You can't make yourself love somebody, you can't stop yourself from loving somebody. You can't . . . make yourself be with somebody you don't love just because it'd make it easier on them. That's no way to live.

You gotta do what's right for you, not - anybody else. Not me or Sam or your mom or whoever.

[That's why he won't tell her she shouldn't make the deal she's made. If it's right for her - then it's right for her. That's just how it is.]

[Daneca nods a little. She didn't really realize that it's what she needed to hear and she couldn't have possibly imagined it would be Cassel saying it to her, but she's glad to hear it.]

Thanks, Cassel. For being here and listening.

[Because she knows it wasn't easy for him even if he won't say so.]

[He ducks his head and nods, then hesitantly bumps her shoulder with his.]

'S'cool. I'm. Actually not that bad at listening lately.

[It's still awkward and strange, especially because he's not used to talking with Daneca specifically. He's used to talking at her and then ignoring what she says in return. But he's trying to listen now.]

. . . You gonna say anything about the blowback or not? Because you can bullshit other people but you can't bullshit me, not on that one.

[Daneca flushes at the mention of the blowback. She knows that she, obviously, can't really control it when it happens, but she still feels embarrassed over it.]

I'll talk about that just as soon as you explain to me why there's a rabbit named after me.

[He actually slides back towards the wall on the bed at the mention of that particular topic. Rubs his temples.]

Because that's how you fucking introduce yourself to somebody, thank you Zane, Jesus Christ.

[Jesus Christ.]

He - look, he wanted me to name his stupid rabbit and he felt like shit and it - I don't know, it felt like the right thing to do. Like maybe it would . . .

[Cassel trails off. What had he been thinking, anyway? That it would make Zane stronger to have something of Daneca close by, even if it was just her name? That remembering her himself would keep him from feeling worthless and lost? He doesn't know.]

It just felt right.

I'm sor-- I know it's weird, okay, I'm sorry.