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[advocacy]

I've seen a lot of discussion lately about whether or not people on the Barge being too cavalier about death.

Honestly, I don't know if that's true or not. I haven't been around long enough and I don't think I know enough of you to say. I also wouldn't try to tell anybody how they view death. But I guess I'm just wondering what makes people think that? Or what about the Barge would make people start to treat death less seriously?

I guess some could make the argument that coming back over and over again makes it hard to see death as a big, final chapter or the next big chapter depending on your theological or philosophical standpoint. But I know there are some ideas surrounding death that says we do just come back over and over again as different people or even different creatures. And sometimes we remember past lives or past deaths. Or, I guess if you have a more negative outlook, that we're doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again across lifetimes.

[A pause.]

I guess from my perspective, people just get numb to death when it happens all the time or they stop caring about what happens to them. They just give up. I don't know if that's anything really particular to the Barge.

[Her smile is wry. There's definitely people that have come and gone in her life at home that could fit the profile of just not caring about death anymore.]

I could also be completely wrong, too.

Comments

[patheticvillain]

[Something in his expression softens a little. He puts his head on one side.]

Yep.

But it helped.

[advocacy]

[Daneca sighs a little. She can't really judge. Not that she wants to. But you have to do what you have to do to cope with something like that.]

You've really only died once?

[patheticvillain]

Yep, [he says again, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking up slightly as he does a mental tally.] Once to get here, once after I got here. Two beatings, one of which I'm, like, ninety percent sure was attempted murder, one ridiculously sloppy con, one majestic mindfuck, and then the regular Barge shit.

[It does all bother him. He lets it show for her, just for a minute, and then pulls his smile back up.]

[advocacy]

And what did you do the week before that?

[Daneca offers a weak smile. She knows he probably doesn't want to talk about what all of that did to him beyond what he's already said. And that's fine. He doesn't have to. He has a right to handle it however he wants considering no one else is getting hurt as a result and he isn't taking out what's happened to him on other people either.]

[For Cassel, it's downright healthy.]

[patheticvillain]

[With a flash of his most winning smile - which will have zero effect on Daneca, which he is utterly fine with - Cassel shrugs with a little what can you do eyeroll.]

Something stupid.

[Generally speaking, this is always a good guess.]

[He hopes she understands, kind of. It's not something he can explain articulately, the way that glossing over pain to make it seem smaller works for death but not for dealing with people. But he hopes this is at least a partial answer to her question. Different people cope different ways. On the Barge, almost nobody copes well.]

[He holds out his hand for the card. It's not the only one he's got made out, but he figures she doesn't want to hold onto it.]

[advocacy]

[She gives it back to him because she gets it. It's not her particular choice way of dealing with it, but she can understand.]

Promise me you'll try to do a little better next week.

[patheticvillain]

I'll try. I mean. If I don't, you'll either slap me again or make that face you make, and I'm not really into either of those options.

[He folds up the card and tucks it into his back pocket, then rocks back on his heels.]

What do you think? About death. Here or there or wherever.

[advocacy]

[Daneca shrugs a little.]

I think no matter what happens, death is a big deal. And I think people who try and say it's not are either lying or just too overwhelmed to really process it anymore.

[A beat.]

I don't make a face.

[patheticvillain]

Or they think it's normal. Dying, or being hurt or whatever.

[He raises his eyebrows.]

Do too.

[advocacy]

[Daneca makes a face.]

Do not.

I'd think death would be worse here though. You still come back from it and still have memories of how you died.

[patheticvillain]

You just made the face!

[HE'S SO RIGHT, GOD.]

The memories were worse for me. I'm used to pain, it doesn't bother me as much as remembering.

[advocacy]

[SHE DID NOT, OMG. THAT'S JUST HER FACE!!!]

Cassel, do you realize how screwed up that sounds?

[patheticvillain]

I mean. Kind of.

[No, not really.]

It's true though. I'm not just being . . . whatever. I know pain. It's just . . . [Something that feels comfortable, sometimes.] But dying was new both times.

[advocacy]

Pain's just what though, Cassel?

[Daneca thinks she knows what he was just trying to say. She'd just rather he'd say it instead of beating around the bush about it.]

[patheticvillain]

[God, he so doesn't want to talk about this. It's awkward and uncomfortable, and he really doesn't expect her to get it. He hardly even understands it himself, and he's neck-deep in it.]

[Too deep, obviously, to realize that's a big part of why he doesn't get it.]

[He just shrugs tightly.]

It doesn't matter. We weren't talking about me.

[advocacy]

We kinda are now though.

[Daneca can sometimes be like a dog with a bone. And with Cassel lately, she prefers to be that way. It's too easy for him to shrug things off, to start lying. Even now.]

[patheticvillain]

Damnit, Daneca.

[He rolls his eyes ceilingward.]

Pain's just a - a constant, okay, can we drop it now?

[advocacy]

Cassel, there's a pretty big difference between pain being a constant and what you were about to say. Why can't you just say it?

[patheticvillain]

Because like you said. It's fucked up.

[advocacy]

Then are you trying to do something to change that?

[patheticvillain]

[He deflates slightly, glancing to the side at nothing much.]

Yeah, Daneca. All the time, every day. It's what I'm here for. What I'm still here for.

[advocacy]

Is it really?

[Or are you just running away again?]

[patheticvillain]

It's part!

[He feels backed into a corner suddenly, and it shows: shoulders up, eyes narrowed, though he's looking right at her.]

It's part of what I'm still here for. Because I never figured out a way for pain not to feel right. Definitely not there. But sometimes when I'm here I don't feel like I have to do everything in my power including get hurt to be valuable.

I don't give a shit if you believe that. [He does. He so does.] It's just the fucking truth.

[advocacy]

[Daneca has a sad look to her eyes the longer Cassel keeps talking until eventually they drop down to his feet. She doesn't know what to say to any of that. It's not like anything she'll say will have that much weight -- or that it really should -- or that he'll believe her.]

[Then she just moves forward, throwing her arms around Cassel's neck. She doesn't understand how he can be so stupid. How simple things could be so complicated for him. But they are. He is.]

[patheticvillain]

[He knows he's an idiot about this. He does. That the grooves of his dysfunction are worn so deep that it's unlikely the ground will ever be smooth again. Cassel will never love effortlessly; he'll never instinctively seek out comfort instead of pain. He'll try - he does try, a good portion of the time, now - but it will never be as automatic as it should.]

[It shows in the way he startles when she hugs him, almost pulls away. But he doesn't. Not from her, not since she got here, not since he was finally honest. She deserves more than that.]

[All his instinctive fear is roughly, brutally channeled into a violent need for closeness. He buries his face in her shoulder and trembles, afraid and even more afraid because he can't articulate what's scaring him so much.]

They had to tell me. Over and over, [he mutters into her shoulder, feeling pathetic and awful and small.] Before I believed, even for a minute.

[He had told Kon he wouldn't do work anymore, because it wasn't worth hurting himself for. And he hadn't believed it. Even now, he only believes it in alternate moments, when he believes his own conviction of wholeness.]